Right, I was supposed to write in here, instead of unloading emotionally on my friends - who I suspect are getting tired of it, even though I'm keeping like... 95% of it to myself? It just doesn't help that everytime they see me DM them it's most likely something about myself. How egotistical.

So yeah, did my second injection yesterday. The about 3 or 4 days before injection day had me impatiently waiting for it. Upped my dose too, since I though I'd start low dose and then gradually increase it - well fuck that.
My mood was pretty good at first but now it's tanked, though it's a little better now. My face, it still needs laser depilation. It's depressing when you shave as close as you can, and there's still thick, dark stubble that simply won't go, on top of the irritation. I'm tired of seeing masculine facial features in the mirror.
There has also been very little progress in my voice training, hell if anything it's gotten worse.
Also going back to the face thing, it's depressing to see how big and wide my jaw and chin are. To think that I'll need to save up some thousands, then wait months for plastic surgery, then wait months for it to heal back up.
Fucking bullshit, why did I wait this long?
I mean, it took me til I was 26 to even begin confronting the repressed, denied feelings, and then 2 more years to decide I had the courage to do something about it. I deserve all this pain for being such a coward.

Started watching Severance today. There's this thing about me where I spend most of the day sort of paralyzed, wondering what to do, then I do nothing. Well I do do something, mostly leisure, but it's always the same couple of activities - even though I've been wanting to get into new hobbies or whatever, somehow it's hard to break the habit.
What makes it hard, actually, is the fact that I don't even notice the habit. I wake up, do the usual, go back to sleep. When I fall asleep I daydream about my other interests, which I neglect, and when I wake up I tell myself to start indulging in them today. Then I do the usual, and go back to sleep.
I think they call that ADHD?
That reminds me, I bought a shitload of stuff to learn to bake with, and they've been sitting there, but I refuse to let the pile of hobby-stuff just sit there unused as I rot endlessly. No, it's too shameful, those muffins will get made.

What worries me the most about my unbreakable loop of droning, indistinguishable days, is that it's led me to become a person with very little in common with almost anyone else. At least now I can talk to a stranger about the first 2 episodes of Severance, that's genuinely good, that's the best thing I've done in a while it feels like.
There's this guy in my Discord DMs, he messages me every couple of days, he lives relatively close by (like a couple hours train ride away) (nevermind, just checked and it's more like 10 hours LOL, close enough).
Anyways, I've been needing to make relatively "local" friends for like 5 years now. Five fucking years, hard to believe I've been a recluse for that long - my only friends living an ocean away.
Even though it was just supposed to be a "me making friends" thing, it feels flirty, and I feel ugly. He just messaged me like 15 minutes ago, asking me why I chose the username I chose. Obviously he's trying his hardest to make conversation.
From the way in which we added eachother in the first place, he must think I'm cute or something. But I'm not, maybe, it feels like my face changes in shape about every time I look at myself.
It's humiliating to have this nasty, permanent stubble on my face, along with the rest of my body hair. I don't wanna be seen like this... 
...and yet I've been procrastinating looking for a laser depilation place and scheduling sessions?
WHY??
Why are you scared?? Just go there and talk to the fucking person!!
Crazy thing is it wouldn't even be the first time that I schedule a depilation session either, but I cancelled the previous attempt out of fear (and also because it was just to wax my arms, which I then realized was a waste of time).

Back to the guy I'm talking to, I don't know man... Realistically, I should just keep going, and if showing myself to him scares him off, so be it.
Still, I want to ask him so badly, like, "hey, just curious but what do you expect to get from talking to me?". Which is an insane thing to say, I know, but I need to know, is he interested in (the idea of) me? Or does he just want to be friends maybe? Yeah I think that's important information.
Maybe I can figure out a much better way of phrasing that question, or more generally, of getting that information.

That felt good, must not forget to keep up with this diary thing. There's probably other things I wanted to say, but I forgot.

ADDENDUM:
Actually no, yeah, I remember what I wanted to say now.

So basically, the whole thing about being super impatient to get my next injection? After I did it I went to try to sleep, but I felt oddly fuzzy and energetic. I was scrolling on my phone in bed, and funny things just seemed way funnier than they had any right to be. And sad things caused more emotional reaction from me than they usually would.
And today, on the next day, I can just feel that I've got a better connection with my emotions.
Let me explain it like this:
I'm used to being able to tell something is funny, or sad, or irritating, or cheerful, and so on, but there would be no emotional response that I could perceive.
Sometimes, the emotion would be strong enough to surface, and it would honestly disturb me to see myself acting so emotional. It was such a rare occurence.
So I'm used to being emotionally detached, but a lot of that detachment feels gone now. I feel earnestly affected emotionally, even if only just a little.
However, that emotional charge seemed to just appear essentially minutes after I did my injection, so I know it's just placebo. All that coupled with the bad mood, and impatience I felt on the lead up to it, it makes me think I've become emotionally dependent on actions that I believe to progress me further in my transition goals.
Come to think of it, I was already emotionally dependent in this way. When I went from being in deep denial, to allowing myself to question, to accepting, I became insanely happy with the realization that I could allow myself to pursue a transition. (Wow, that wording. There's a lot to unpack there, maybe later).
So yeah, I guess it's nothing new. Still, I'd rather not become a psychological addict. Maybe once I start seeing more permanent changes my mood will stabilize more.

Also I need to lose weight.